Fast-forward to Spring 14: In March, right before spring break I started to piece together some things about my life and started to realize that maybe I didn't have everything together as much as I had assumed. I was making good grades. I was a good friend and I was working hard. I had done all kinds of things to make a good name for myself among my peers. And the more I told myself that "I" had done all of these good things, the more I realized "I" was the problem that I kept trying to find a solution for. "I" was the reason I was never happy. The week before spring break I spent every night at Lesley's house, asking her questions, crying because I knew the answers, but I was hoping for a different glimpse on the truth. Though as hard as I tried, the truth is FOREVER the truth. In those heartfelt nights of tears and tough conversations I realized that I was not the Christian I had been claiming to be. I was not a Christian at all in fact. I was living a lie and acting like a good Samaritan all along, never realizing that I was just convincing myself my good deeds were all I needed. I thought that being a good person on paper was what life was all about. For those of you who may be saying: "wait, that's what my life looks like. I do all of these good things. Does that mean I'm not a Christian?" Well, that's not what I'm saying. I didn't do good things for the glory of God. I didn't do things for the betterment of His Kingdom. I didn't do things so that HE could get the glory, I did things so that I..ME..Jackie could get the glory. I wanted to be known as that girl that did great things, nice things, etc for everyone. I wanted MY name to be known. I wanted to have people saying... "oh man JACKIE. She's so awesome." It's not about that.
After that week I ran. I ran away from Lesley. I ran away from God. I ran away from the questions, the answers, everything. I ran because "I can take care of me." "I'm ok." I didn't go to Campus Outreach. I didn't go to church. I didn't go near a bible. I didn't go near anyone that had been a part of leading me. They would text, call, try to catch me after class. I deleted, rejected and dodged. You couldn't catch me for anything. All the while making sure that every person I knew was aware of how "GREAT" I was, how "HAPPY" I was, and how absolutely okay I was. Still, every night I went home struggling, fighting myself to keep going. I was tired. I was beat. I WAS EXHAUSTED. I didn't even have the energy to keep crying myself to sleep after a while. I knew I was lost, but I was going to find myself. I didn't need help. I told myself that too many times. "I know Jesus, and I'm taking care of myself. That's all I need." It was NEVER true.
After fighting it for a long time, I signed up to go to Summer Beach Project. I kept telling myself that I didn't deserve the love God had for me because I didn't love myself, I had done "this, that and the other" wrong thing. "I was the worst, ugliest sinner ever." I told myself that over and over, but I continued to claim knowledge and acceptance of the unconditional love, grace, and mercy of Christ. It was a lie. The minute that I judged myself and decided whether or not I was good enough, was the moment I had condemned myself to a life of sin and death. By convincing myself that I would take care of myself because I wasn't good enough for God, I was boldly refusing the unconditional love, grace, and mercy of Christ. Quite frankly, I was insulting Him. In a way, saying "I know that you died on a cross for me and my sins. I know that you came and suffered a mortal life, filled with betrayal, scrutiny and so much more. But I'm not going to accept the ultimate sacrifice of life that you gave for me." I was childish, rude, ignorant, and absolutely TERRIFIED. I was scared of not having control, disappointing Him, and never being good enough. So I kept trying to do and to be. Again, all things ME getting in the way. It was in my second week at Project that I finally admitted to God (not that He didn't already know), to the world, and most importantly to myself that I was living a lie. I was having a one-on-one with my room leader and d-group leader and she boldly asked, "Jackie, can you please tell me what is holding you back? Lesley has been leading you for months now, you have heard the gospel, you know the Gospel truths and you know that you aren't a Christian. What is holding you back from submitting to Christ and claiming God as your Father?" It was then that I told the truth about my life, my fears, my feelings, and everything else. It was that moment that spurred a transformation in my heart. I spent the whole next day thinking. It was a weird day. Nothing was overly important. Nothing was sticking out to me. There was just something different, but I was pondering my whole entire life. I was pondering what I had just admitted. I was pondering the question, so much so that a dear friend of mine called me aside to talk because she saw that I "needed to talk about something." I didn't know what to say, but she and I just started talking. She told me a story of some children that impacted her and reminded her of how God looks at us and then she asked me what really had gotten me thinking all this time and I told her about the question I had been asked, what the answer was, and what lead me to project to this point. She asked me one thing "When you finally went back to Lesley and told her about every mistake you made and everything that you had done (after I had avoided her for a month), what did she say?" I knew the answer immediately, but I hesitated in responding because right then I felt like it wasn't me thinking, it was someone else speaking to me. All Lesley had said to me was "I love you." That's all it took. I paused to try to grasp what I had just realized, but I couldn't quite grasp it in that moment, so I told my friend what Lesley had said to me and she just smiled back at me. She left me with that to think about for the rest of the evening.
I reflected on that moment for the next couple of hours and I realized that if she could still love me and I believed wholeheartedly that she still loved me, how could I ever believe that someone who gave their own son for me did not love me. Lesley, someone who had spent countless hours of time and effort loving me, leading me, and pushing me to grow closer to the Lord, still loved me after I avoided her, blatantly disregarded every word she said to me, and sinned relentlessly. Lesley, a sinful human, loved me despite my mistakes and my failings. It was then that I spoke to God like He was right in front of me. I gave my life to Him. I asked Him to take it and to show me His ways. I've never smiled, cried, laughed, and felt completely joyous or thankful like I did that day. It was like nothing I had ever experienced and it's nothing that I could ever explain to you to fully, because the only thing that can describe that day is God.
How did my life change after that day? Well, for the first time in years I gave up the use of profanity completely, I held my head up in true joy, I didn't doubt the smile on my face, I didn't doubt what I knew, because I finally knew that God is my savior. I went through the rest of my summer facing demons of my past as God called them to the forefront of my mind and asking me to let go of it all. I learned more and more everyday about what it meant to grow my relationship with the Lord and how to seek Him out. I learned how to see, confront, and attack my sin every day. Leaving project and saying goodbye to the best living environment I had ever experienced was difficult, because I woke up everyday looking to know God better, and being encouraged by ALL of my peers to seek that relationship out.
Once I got back to school life changed even more. I was burdened, tempted, and distracted. It's not all rainbows and flowers. The "real world" more or less was twice as hard as I could have imagined. I was burdened for the souls of those around me, and I just wanted to save them. I wanted to help them, and that's where I was tempted. I was tempted to let myself become the center of attention again and let myself fall back into habitual sins in a place that I sinned the most. I was burdened for the hearts and souls of the people around me everyday. I was tempted by the idea of being the one to "save" them. I was distracted by the noise of everyday life. Coming back to school and the "real world" made for one of the hardest semesters of my entire life, but one of the biggest learning situations for me. (I'll explain more about that in my next blog.) I tell you all of this because I didn't want you to think that my life just made a complete turn around in that one moment, that one day of realization. My life is a constant work in progress to live like Christ more everyday, to know Christ more everyday, and to die to myself more each and everyday in an effort to do so. The best part is that everyday I fight another temptation or face a difficult time in my life, as long as I do it with Him at the forefront of my life I have faith and trust that everything will work out for the best. I don't need a sun-filled day with everything I ever asked for to be happy. I am joyous enough with Christ in my life. So I do struggle. Every day. I still face tough times and sin, but it's all with Christ and a new life.
So that is what the last year of my life has looked like. If you want to hear anything else feel free to contact me. I'll figure out how to make that easier hear soon. If you have any questions about what I learned or what I'm doing now, I'm open to answer.
Have a very Merry Christmas with your family and friends! Remember the reason for the season!
Peace and love!
J.a.Smith
After that week I ran. I ran away from Lesley. I ran away from God. I ran away from the questions, the answers, everything. I ran because "I can take care of me." "I'm ok." I didn't go to Campus Outreach. I didn't go to church. I didn't go near a bible. I didn't go near anyone that had been a part of leading me. They would text, call, try to catch me after class. I deleted, rejected and dodged. You couldn't catch me for anything. All the while making sure that every person I knew was aware of how "GREAT" I was, how "HAPPY" I was, and how absolutely okay I was. Still, every night I went home struggling, fighting myself to keep going. I was tired. I was beat. I WAS EXHAUSTED. I didn't even have the energy to keep crying myself to sleep after a while. I knew I was lost, but I was going to find myself. I didn't need help. I told myself that too many times. "I know Jesus, and I'm taking care of myself. That's all I need." It was NEVER true.
After fighting it for a long time, I signed up to go to Summer Beach Project. I kept telling myself that I didn't deserve the love God had for me because I didn't love myself, I had done "this, that and the other" wrong thing. "I was the worst, ugliest sinner ever." I told myself that over and over, but I continued to claim knowledge and acceptance of the unconditional love, grace, and mercy of Christ. It was a lie. The minute that I judged myself and decided whether or not I was good enough, was the moment I had condemned myself to a life of sin and death. By convincing myself that I would take care of myself because I wasn't good enough for God, I was boldly refusing the unconditional love, grace, and mercy of Christ. Quite frankly, I was insulting Him. In a way, saying "I know that you died on a cross for me and my sins. I know that you came and suffered a mortal life, filled with betrayal, scrutiny and so much more. But I'm not going to accept the ultimate sacrifice of life that you gave for me." I was childish, rude, ignorant, and absolutely TERRIFIED. I was scared of not having control, disappointing Him, and never being good enough. So I kept trying to do and to be. Again, all things ME getting in the way. It was in my second week at Project that I finally admitted to God (not that He didn't already know), to the world, and most importantly to myself that I was living a lie. I was having a one-on-one with my room leader and d-group leader and she boldly asked, "Jackie, can you please tell me what is holding you back? Lesley has been leading you for months now, you have heard the gospel, you know the Gospel truths and you know that you aren't a Christian. What is holding you back from submitting to Christ and claiming God as your Father?" It was then that I told the truth about my life, my fears, my feelings, and everything else. It was that moment that spurred a transformation in my heart. I spent the whole next day thinking. It was a weird day. Nothing was overly important. Nothing was sticking out to me. There was just something different, but I was pondering my whole entire life. I was pondering what I had just admitted. I was pondering the question, so much so that a dear friend of mine called me aside to talk because she saw that I "needed to talk about something." I didn't know what to say, but she and I just started talking. She told me a story of some children that impacted her and reminded her of how God looks at us and then she asked me what really had gotten me thinking all this time and I told her about the question I had been asked, what the answer was, and what lead me to project to this point. She asked me one thing "When you finally went back to Lesley and told her about every mistake you made and everything that you had done (after I had avoided her for a month), what did she say?" I knew the answer immediately, but I hesitated in responding because right then I felt like it wasn't me thinking, it was someone else speaking to me. All Lesley had said to me was "I love you." That's all it took. I paused to try to grasp what I had just realized, but I couldn't quite grasp it in that moment, so I told my friend what Lesley had said to me and she just smiled back at me. She left me with that to think about for the rest of the evening.
I reflected on that moment for the next couple of hours and I realized that if she could still love me and I believed wholeheartedly that she still loved me, how could I ever believe that someone who gave their own son for me did not love me. Lesley, someone who had spent countless hours of time and effort loving me, leading me, and pushing me to grow closer to the Lord, still loved me after I avoided her, blatantly disregarded every word she said to me, and sinned relentlessly. Lesley, a sinful human, loved me despite my mistakes and my failings. It was then that I spoke to God like He was right in front of me. I gave my life to Him. I asked Him to take it and to show me His ways. I've never smiled, cried, laughed, and felt completely joyous or thankful like I did that day. It was like nothing I had ever experienced and it's nothing that I could ever explain to you to fully, because the only thing that can describe that day is God.
How did my life change after that day? Well, for the first time in years I gave up the use of profanity completely, I held my head up in true joy, I didn't doubt the smile on my face, I didn't doubt what I knew, because I finally knew that God is my savior. I went through the rest of my summer facing demons of my past as God called them to the forefront of my mind and asking me to let go of it all. I learned more and more everyday about what it meant to grow my relationship with the Lord and how to seek Him out. I learned how to see, confront, and attack my sin every day. Leaving project and saying goodbye to the best living environment I had ever experienced was difficult, because I woke up everyday looking to know God better, and being encouraged by ALL of my peers to seek that relationship out.
Once I got back to school life changed even more. I was burdened, tempted, and distracted. It's not all rainbows and flowers. The "real world" more or less was twice as hard as I could have imagined. I was burdened for the souls of those around me, and I just wanted to save them. I wanted to help them, and that's where I was tempted. I was tempted to let myself become the center of attention again and let myself fall back into habitual sins in a place that I sinned the most. I was burdened for the hearts and souls of the people around me everyday. I was tempted by the idea of being the one to "save" them. I was distracted by the noise of everyday life. Coming back to school and the "real world" made for one of the hardest semesters of my entire life, but one of the biggest learning situations for me. (I'll explain more about that in my next blog.) I tell you all of this because I didn't want you to think that my life just made a complete turn around in that one moment, that one day of realization. My life is a constant work in progress to live like Christ more everyday, to know Christ more everyday, and to die to myself more each and everyday in an effort to do so. The best part is that everyday I fight another temptation or face a difficult time in my life, as long as I do it with Him at the forefront of my life I have faith and trust that everything will work out for the best. I don't need a sun-filled day with everything I ever asked for to be happy. I am joyous enough with Christ in my life. So I do struggle. Every day. I still face tough times and sin, but it's all with Christ and a new life.
So that is what the last year of my life has looked like. If you want to hear anything else feel free to contact me. I'll figure out how to make that easier hear soon. If you have any questions about what I learned or what I'm doing now, I'm open to answer.
Have a very Merry Christmas with your family and friends! Remember the reason for the season!
Peace and love!
J.a.Smith
